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The Other Victim
More than three million children
in the United States witness domestic violence each year.
These young people literally
grow up in a “climate of fear”. Tragically, many
of these children hold themselves responsible for the violence.
As a community, we place the responsibility for the violence
with the offending parent. Our programs are designed to support
the abused parent with the expectation that they will adequately
protect their children. Therefore, the effects on the children
who witness violence in their homes often go unacknowledged
because they are not the direct recipient of the abuse. Contrary
to this expectation, some children who witness domestic violence
have higher levels of behavioral and emotional problems than
other children.
Individual children may respond differently
even within the same family. Some children may become violent,
while
others may withdraw. They may think they are making things
easier for the mother by appearing to cope with the situation,
by trying to be quieter, and by not saying how they feel.
These children often feel isolated and ashamed about the
violence happening at home. Many children may be placed in
opposing positions, such as being the only person who is
able to phone the police for help, or being told that the
abuse is a "family secret" that no one should know
about. Regardless of the family dynamics, children and young
people also bear the burden of domestic violence. They are
victims, too.
An adult might say that it is alright if the partner is
emotionally abusive to them, as long as they are good to
the kids. But, domestic violence comes in many forms and
includes emotional, financial, sexual and physical abuse.
By abusing the adult, the partner is NOT being good to the
children. Showing attention or affection to the children
cannot make up for denying the kids (through the violence)
the right to a safe and happy childhood.
Although many parents believe that they can hide domestic
violence from their children, children living in these homes
report differently. Research suggests between 80 and 90 percent
of these children are aware of the violence. Even if they
do not see a beating, they hear the screams, feel the fear,
and see the bruises, broken bones and abrasions sustained
by the victim.
What can you do for children of domestic
violence?
- Let them know the abuse is not
their fault, or the victim’s
fault.
- Let them know it is not their role to protect
the adult. Children should never place themselves between
their
parents during a fight, nor should they hide (i.e. in a closet or
in the basement). Children should be taught to go to
a designated safe location (a neighbor or friend's house).
- Even though your children
may not have been in the room, they will have been able
to sense the atmosphere, so
if you can, explain to them in their language what is happening.
- Let them know
that they are entitled to express their feelings and you
want to hear what they have to say.
- Assure them that feeling
frightened, angry, confused or sad is normal in the situation.
- Find
a trustworthy, sympathetic adult that the children can
talk to (such as a relative, school counselor or teacher).
- Find
services, information and support for the children. Locally,
contact LEVI.
For more on the effects of domestic violence
on children, click on the following links, where you
can download articles
and fact sheets, as well as a list of books on the subject.
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