LOVE SHOULDN'T HURT

LOVE SHOULDN'T HURT

Domestic Violence

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is when one person in a relationship uses harmful behaviors to gain power and control over the other person. It can happen in dating, married, or live-in relationships, and it affects people of all ages, races, genders, and backgrounds.

Domestic violence can include:

  • Physical abuse – hitting, slapping, pushing, or hurting someone

  • Sexual abuse – forcing or pressuring someone into sexual activity

  • Emotional or psychological abuse – name-calling, threats, blaming, or making someone feel worthless

  • Economic abuse – controlling money or access to resources

  • Spiritual abuse – using religion or beliefs to control or shame someone

  • Threats or intimidation – scaring someone to get control

These behaviors are often part of a pattern meant to control the other person. Abuse can happen once or many times, and it can get worse over time. It can lead to serious injury, emotional trauma, or even death.

Legal Definition (Colorado Law)
“An act or threatened act of violence upon a person with whom the actor is or has been involved in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence also includes any other crime against a person or against property, including an animal, when used as a method of coercion, control, punishment, intimidation, or revenge directed against a person with whom the actor is or has been involved in an intimate relationship.” CRS 18-6-800 

What is an “Intimate Relationship”? 
“Intimate relationship” means a relationship between spouses, former spouses, past or present unmarried couples, or persons who are both the parents of the same child, regardless of whether the persons have been married or have lived together at any time.” Section 18-6-800.3 (2) 

Domestic Violence Relationship Dynamics

Cycle of Violence

Abusive relationships often follow a repeating pattern called the cycle of violence. This cycle has several stages:

  1. Honeymoon Phase
    Everything seems calm and loving. The abuser may be kind, caring, and things feel “normal.”

  2. Tension-Building Phase
    Stress starts to grow. There may be more arguments, put-downs, or controlling behavior. The victim may feel like they’re walking on eggshells.

  3. Abuse Phase
    This is when the abuse happens. It could be physical, emotional, verbal, or another form of harm. This is the most dangerous part of the cycle.

  4. Reconciliation Phase
    After the abuse, the abuser may apologize, promise to change, or act very loving. This can make the victim believe things will get better.

Then the cycle often starts over again, going back to the honeymoon phase.

Three arrows pointing in a circle to represent a cycle. Red arrow labeled "Violent and abusive" phase, points to yellow arrow labeled "Honeymoon phase", pointing to orange arrow labeled "tension building phase", pointing back to the red arrow.

Power and Control Wheel

While physical and sexual violence are common in abusive relationships, there are many other harmful behaviors that may not be as obvious—but can be just as damaging.

One way to understand these behaviors is through the Power & Control Wheel, created by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project.

  • The outer ring of the wheel shows physical and sexual violence.

  • The inside of the wheel shows other types of abuse that happen more often and are sometimes harder to recognize—like emotional abuse, isolation, threats, or using children or money to control someone.

All of these behaviors work together to give one person power and control over the other.

Why do victims stay?

  • When victims speak up or try to leave, the abuse can get worse. Many are afraid that the violence will become more dangerous if they try to leave. They may also feel like the system won’t protect them or that there aren’t enough safe places to go.

  • n many cases, the abuser is the main—or only—person making money in the household. This can make the victim feel trapped. They may worry about how they’ll support themselves or their family if they leave, especially if they don’t have access to money or a job.

  • Many victims blame themselves for the abuse. They might think they did something to cause it, or feel guilty that the relationship didn’t work out. Family, cultural, or religious beliefs can also add to that guilt, making it even harder for them to seek help or leave.

  • Abusers often cut victims off from friends, family, and other support. Because of this, victims may feel alone and unsure of where to turn. They might not know what resources are available or how to ask for help, especially if their social connections and confidence have been limited.

  • Many victims feel ashamed for staying in an abusive relationship. They may feel embarrassed, like they’ve failed. Society often makes this worse by blaming victims—suggesting it’s their fault for staying or for how the abuse affects their children. These messages can make it even harder for victims to ask for help.

  • Because of past trauma or ongoing emotional abuse, some victims become emotionally dependent on their abuser. They may believe they’re not strong enough to leave or that they don’t deserve something better. The idea of being on their own can feel scary, and making a big life change can seem overwhelming.

  • Some victims stay because they believe their children need both parents at home. They may worry that leaving will emotionally harm the kids. Others feel that keeping financial stability is more important than leaving. In many cases, abusers use the children to control or threaten the victim, making it even harder to leave.

  • Abusive relationships don’t usually start out as abusive, and they aren’t always bad all the time. The person being hurt might believe their partner will change or trust the promises they make. That’s why it’s important to understand that abuse often happens in a cycle.

Woman sitting in nature near a cliff overlooking a river.
Young child outdoors in an orange coat.
Two young girls holding hands outdoors.

Children and Domestic Violence 

The Other Victim 

Children are often called the “hidden” victims of domestic violence. Children that grow up in a home with domestic violence, get used to feeling scared all the time. Sadly, many of them think the violence is their fault.

As a community, we must place the responsibility for the violence on the offender. Oftentimes, programs are designed to support the abused parent. Therefore, the effects on the children who witness violence in their homes are often overlooked. Even if they aren’t being abused directly, they can still experience the negative outcomes. Exposure to domestic violence can put children at risk for physical and mental health struggles, academic difficulties, behavioral problems, being abused, or even becoming an abuser.

Children all respond differently to the trauma. Some children might learn violent behaviors, while others may withdraw. They might assume hiding their feelings will make things easier. These children often feel isolated and ashamed about the violence they see at home. Children are sometimes put in difficult positions, such as being the one who calls the police or being told the abuse is a “family secret”. Regardless of the family dynamics, children and young people also bear the burden of domestic violence. They are victims, too.

What can you do for children of domestic violence? 

  • Make sure they feel safe.

  • Tell them it’s not their fault and not the victim’s fault either.

  • Remind them it’s not their job to protect adults. Children should never try to stop a fight between parents. Instead, they should go to a safe place, like a neighbor’s or friend’s house.

  • Help them understand what’s going on. Use age-appropriate language to explain the situation.

  • Let them share their feelings. Let them know it’s okay to talk and that you’re there to listen.

  • Tell them their feelings are normal. Feeling scared, angry, confused, or sad is a natural response.

  • Teach them about healthy relationships and boundaries.

  • Help them build a support system. Make sure they have a trusted adult they can talk to, like a family member, school counselor, or teacher.

  • Get professional help. Connect them with services, information, and support they may need. 

Other Forms of Violence