Helping a Loved One
Learn About Domestic Violence
Understanding the dynamics of domestic violence can help you better support someone going through it. It can also help you see things from their point of view and respond with care and empathy. Read more about domestic violence here.
Continuously support them
Leaving an abusive relationship is hard, and it often takes more than one try. The first time someone leaves is rarely the last. Try to remember that healing and progress don’t always happen in a straight line. Even if their choices are confusing or frustrating, your steady support can make a big difference.
Help them safety plan
You and your loved one might have different ideas about what should happen in their relationship. That’s okay. When helping them make a safety plan, it’s important to respect their choices. f full safety isn’t possible right now, focus on helping them be as safe as they can be in their current situation. Learn more about safety planning here.
How to Talk to Someone You’re Worried About
Choose a safe and private time to talk. This helps build trust and keeps them safe.
Start by showing you care. Let them know you’re worried about their safety and well-being.
Listen without judgment. Be patient and supportive.
Let them know they’re not alone. Acknowledge their feelings and remind them you’re there for them.
Believe them. What they’ve experienced is real and valid.
Remind them it’s not their fault. No one deserves to be abused.
Tell them they deserve a healthy relationship—one built on respect and equality.
Respect their choices. They have the right to make their own decisions when they’re ready. Let them know you’ll support them no matter what.
Help them safety plan. Ask what they’ve done in the past to stay safe. Do they have a place to go if they need to leave quickly?
Encourage them to build a support system. Help them connect with resources in your community.
Be patient. Healing and self-empowerment take time.
Things to Remember
It’s common for victims to take back what they said, bail the abuser out of jail, change protection orders, or even blame themselves. This doesn’t mean they were lying or trying to trick anyone.
Breaking free from abuse is hard and often takes many tries. The most important thing you can do is keep supporting them, even when it’s frustrating or confusing.
Remind them:
They are not responsible for the abuser’s actions
No one deserves to be abused, no matter what
Your support can make a big difference.
Communicating with Victims
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Listen to Understand
What you think is best for the victim might be very different from what they think they need. That’s okay.
Ask them what their concerns are and what would help them feel safer.
Talk through their ideas and help turn them into simple, doable steps.
Try to focus on one topic at a time so they don’t feel overwhelmed.
Be ready to break things down into clear facts or small steps if they need help understanding or making a plan.
Listening with care and respect can help them feel more in control and supported.
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Validate their Feelings
Victims of abuse are often made to feel “crazy” because of emotional manipulation and verbal abuse. Letting them know their feelings are normal can help them feel seen and understood.
You can say things like:
“It makes complete sense that you’d feel upset, angry, or confused.”
“That’s a totally valid way to feel after what happened.”
“That must have been really difficult, overwhelming, or scary.”
These kinds of responses help them feel heard, supported, and not alone.
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Share your concerns
After someone shares their story, it’s okay to gently bring up any concerns you still have — especially if they didn’t mention something that worries you.
You can say something like:
“I’m just really concerned for your safety because of [the history with strangulation / they still have access to your home / their behavior seems to be getting worse].”
Try not to tell them what to do. Instead, offer suggestions or ideas if they seem unsure about what steps to take next. Focus on being supportive, not pushy.
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Show You're Listening
Reflect back what they said
“So what you’re saying is…”
Summarize what you heard
“It sounds like ___ is really important to you.”
“It seems like ___ is a big concern for you.”Make small acknowledgments while they talk
Say things like “I see,” “That makes sense,” or nod your head occasionally.
These small actions can build trust and help the person feel supported.
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Use Positive Body Language
Your body language and tone can say a lot. You don’t need to be overly cheerful, but it’s important to show that you’re interested and present in the conversation.
Keep a calm and kind tone
Use positive facial expressions
Face the person and make eye contact to show you’re listening
These small actions can help the person feel safe, respected, and supported.
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Develop a Resource List
Make sure to include important resources like:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Local shelters and programs that help people experiencing domestic violence
Free or low-cost legal help
Mental health support services
When you talk to someone who may be a victim, be ready to share these resources with them.
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Remember Silence is Okay!
Even if it feels a little uncomfortable, you don’t have to talk the whole time.
When you're having a tough conversation, it's normal for people to need a moment to think before they speak. Sitting quietly with someone can actually help them feel supported and not alone. -
Avoid Showing Judgement
Try not to question their choices or actions.
Even if you're trying to help, asking things like “Why would you do that?” can make someone feel judged or defensive. Instead, try asking, “What were you thinking about when that happened?” This shows you care and want to understand. -
Ask questions intentionally.
Open ended questions: “Can you tell me more about that?”
Clarifying questions: “Let me make sure I understand. So what has happened was … Is that right?”
Digital Communication with Victims
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Be Discreet
If needed, hide your phone number when calling. This can help keep the person safe by making sure an abuser doesn’t find out they’re asking for help.
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Make sure it's safe to talk
Always ask if it’s a good time to talk before bringing up anything about domestic violence.
If you think the abuser might be nearby or listening, have a fake reason ready for why you're calling—just in case you need to explain. -
Don't leave digital evidence
Don’t text, email, or leave voicemails that could put someone in danger. Unless you’re sure it’s safe, avoid sending messages you wouldn’t want the abuser to see. Many abusers check phones, emails, or other digital activity.
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Create code words
Talk about using code words to keep your conversations private. It’s important to come up with a safe word that can be used to show the abuser is nearby or that the person is in danger. This helps keep communication safe and gives a quick way to ask for help without raising suspicion.
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Ensure they can call for help
Give the victim a safe device they can use to get help. If they need to reach out for support, make sure the phone or device they use is secure and not being watched. If you need an emergency phone, contact LEVI for help.
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End the call with a plan
Go over any plans you’ve made together. Talk about when you’ll check in again or communicate next. Remind them that they can call you anytime if they need support.